


My Fault

by honeyseong



Category: Falsettos - Lapine/Finn
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Overthinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-11
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-05-20 12:19:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14894525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeyseong/pseuds/honeyseong
Summary: Whizzer is dead and it's all Jason's fault.Of course that isn't true, but that's what Jason thinks.





	My Fault

**Author's Note:**

> hi i just got into falsettos and i'm 2 years late but boy that was angsty,,, so of course i had to write something

Sometimes Jason plays baseball and remembers Whizzer— and he also misses the ball completely but the laughs of his classmates are nothing compared to the pang he feels in his heart replaying his final words at the bar mitzvah just before collapsing into Marvin's weary arms.

Sometimes Jason goes to school and remembers Whizzer. His classmates jeer and mock him for his dad's newfound homosexuality (well, it's definitely not new but somehow slipped out just recently) and he wants to be mad but all he can think about is Whizzer and how much he loved Marvin. Tears of pure agony well up, which everyone mistakes for tears of embarrassment, but he stays— or at least _tries_  to stay strong.

Jason struggles.

Sometimes Jason looks at his dad when he's with him on the weekends— just the weekends— and remembers Whizzer. He remembers the tears on his dad's face and sees the drops of rain on the foggy window and can't tell the difference between the two liquids because everything is cold and his hands are numb and oh no his face is wet again.

And sometimes, when the memories are all too much for a simple teenage boy, he cries.

He locks himself in his room and cries out with all his heart and soul and doesn't come out until hours later.

He remembers Whizzer's smile and his hair and his clothes and misses him dearly even if he never really showed that much emotion when his dad's lover was still alive. Out of all the people he knew, Whizzer was the only one Jason actually regarded with respect apart from his own family— and even they have their own flaws that he can't simply overlook.

Whizzer was technically the person who broke his family apart in the first place, but Jason never looked at it that way. If anything, it was his dad's fault for realizing his sexuality so late. And if the man he left his wife for wasn't Whizzer, it would have been another man. Another man who would never be as charismatic or kind or loving as Whizzer because he was truly irreplaceable and left a huge bleeding hole in all of their hearts.

And seeing him in the hospital with his dull gown and his equally dull hat it took all of his strength not to break down into loud wails as he clutched the fabric of his shirt, nearly ripping it apart from the overwhelming emotions.

If his dad understood himself earlier— before he even met or married that certain woman— Jason wouldn't even exist and Trina wouldn't even be with Mendel, but Whizzer would still probably be dead. So Jason wonders if there would be any way for Whizzer to still be alive. If there's anything his family could have done or not done to prevent _it_ from ever happening.

Maybe if his dad was straight— okay no. Maybe if he decided to live a miserable life with Trina— no, no, that would be miserable for all three of them. Maybe if... if... maybe if Marvin was a bigger asshole and made Whizzer leave. That already happened, though, but they fell in love two years later— and for real this time.

And it's all because Jason invited him to that stupid little-league baseball game.

It's all his fault. Because he was selfish and knew how his dad still felt about Whizzer. He thought he was so special and that he could have made things better. Things _did_ get better, but that was short-lived. Everything came crashing right down in such a short time and it's _all because of him and his selfishness_.

 

\-----------

 

People say that he's a splitting image of his father. 

Jason reluctantly agrees and cautiously looks into the mirror for the fourth time that day. From his face, to his hair, to the scars littering his arms; they _are_ similar after all.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sorry it's trash but i had to write stuff down before forgetting


End file.
